I'm not the bright

I think I have realized something slightly disturbing about myself. I don't really know a whole lot, I know general things but details I have no concept. I couldn't remember for sure when WWI and WWII started and ended. I think that is something I should know.

Mistakes

There are some mistakes, that are just simply mistakes. They are isolated, caused by a thoughtless moment or an oversight. These mistakes generally have consequences that rarely go beyond a single day, they may leave behind a bruised ego and a feeling of embarrassment, but overall they occur and time and life go on. But there are other mistakes, that are inexcusable, that change the path of your life. They steer you in a direction that you never thought you would go, leaving behind a path of disappointment and anger. Those mistakes are grave and if you make one, you can find your way back. Perhaps the Gods will react favorably to the fourth and fifth mistakes as well. But there is a point, when all your mistakes culminate into a life, and that life is not the one you thought you would lead or the life you wanted to have. It simply becomes a life of regrets.

Scardy Cat

I am finally getting out, getting out of a job I sometimes hate so intensely that I can't bring myself to get up in the morning. The new job is great, on the outside. Great manager, opportunity to work from home, everything that I need in my life right now. But I'm terrified. Terrified that another year of office life will kill me, that I with everything else being perfect I will stay hate my job. Then what do I do, I can't blame it on my horrible manager, or my lack of exciting work. Then the problem becomes me. What do I do then?

Better Myself

I have decided to eliminate "sucks" and "huh" from my vocabulary. They are awful sounding words and I would do better to keep them from coming out of my mouth. We will see how that goes.

Airports

When your in a long distance relationship, airports are probably the saddest place in the world. And of all of them LAX is the worst. The noise, the crowds, all culminate to make it the picture of chaos. Chaos that is nothing more than annoying when you are trying to get home without interacting with anyone else.

The Cure - Mint Car

Whenever I hear the beginning of this song I always feel happy. It reminds me of stepping out of my door in Berkeley, on my way to class on a sunny day. It always added a little bounce in my step and now it always reminds me of Berkeley, the best of Berkeley. They days when the sun was shining bright, the view of San Francisco was crystal clear, and Memorial Glade was filled with sun bathers and people playing ultimate Frisbee.


"Never guessed it got this good
Wondered if it ever would
Really didn't think it could
Do it some more?
I know we should!!!
Say it will always be like this
The two of us together
It will always be like this
Forever and ever and ever..."
* The Cure - Mint Car

On Well, Whatever, Nevermind

I hope when I grow up and have children, specifically teenagers, I remember the exquisite beauty of teen anxt. The feeling that your entire life is defined by what happens in the small radius of your existence. It's an odd time of I don't care and I care so much it hurts.

Do you ever feel like your on the cusp of something enormous? All your energy is going towards balancing yourself on the tightrope of your life, and the only thing keeping you from relaxing and stepping off is making a decision. Do you want to step off on the left or the right? That is how I have been feeling lately. It is strange, usually I jump head first into whatever pops into my mind. But it's been different recently, I feel like I'm finally experiencing what so many of my friends have, fear of change. Fear of the unknown, fear that what comes next will be worst than what came before.

The bizarre aspect of this fear, for me, is that I simultaneously have a fear of being stagnant. I can't picture my life in a permanent state, I am constantly thinking of the next move, the next change, the next adventure. The problem then becomes, how can I breath change and simultaneously be afraid of it?

Democratic Presidential Nominee Barack Obama

It is official, history's most groundbreaking presidential primary is over and we have a nominee. And I have to say I'm really proud, proud of the country and the democratic party.

In college I was a resident assistant in the dorms, part of our training covered inclusion. During one particular exercise we were asked which we thought was most likely to happen in our lifetime, a woman, black man, guy man, or asian man becoming president. I put together a list, but in my head I thought, I will never see any of these things happen. And in the very next election I was proven how wrong I could be. I realized that my attitude contributes to the notion that these things can't happen. All you need is one person (in this case 2) two go forth and try. Just try, and you never know what can happen.

New Mantra

I will make my life happen.

"It's not surprising then they get bitter," he said. "They cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations." - Barack Obama (Allison Keyes, NPR)

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has managed to shoot himself in the foot during a pivotal point in his campaign. Currently the democratic party has no clear leader in the race to the presidency. And, with two important primaries coming up, Obama has made a verbal blunder that may cost him the nomination. His mistake not only exposes his lack of experience in politics, but also sheds new light on this poster boy for Change. Could Barack Obama be an elitist?

My answer, I sure hope so. To be honest, when it comes to this Democratic primary you can count my vote as "no preference." But when I read this story about Obama, I have to admit I was slightly swayed, in his favor. Why, you may ask. Because I believe he was speaking honestly. He addressed an issue that no-one will speak about. They will talk about the economy, gun control, and immigration, but they never talk about how they are related. Obama was brave enough, or maybe stupid enough, to address it. And for this inadvertent courage, I have temporarily come down from my fence, and am happily standing a few feet away from it, in Obama's camp.

Trees

Whenever I pick up a pencil to draw, I will almost always end up drawing a tree of some sort. I recently thought about this and found it to be odd. Why trees, I do like trees, but I like the sky too. Then I thought maybe it has something to do with the fact that I won an award from the city in Kindergarten for writing about and drawing trees. I am still not convinced that's the reason but it's a possibility.

I think he's bad ass.

Today at work I overheard my boss talking to his kids on the phone, it was horribly depressing. Not because it was sad, on the contrary, it was actually nice. He sounded so happy talking to them. It just made me sad, the man gets into work at 8:30 and leaves after 6, sometimes as late as 9, 10, or even 11. It just makes me think, what the hell are you doing man? Go home to your kids and your wife. Slaving away at your desk might pay for their things but it won't replace you.

I say this as someone who spends much of her time infuriated with the man, for a variety of crimes that only a manager could commit. But I can see the person he might be outside the work environment and I wonder what it is all for.

What is Next

Many nights, while I sit in front of the television and wonder what I am going to do with my life, I think that maybe I wasted my college years. I feel like I should have figured out what I was really good at and what I wanted to do with my life. Then I realize, I wouldn't go back and change anything. I enjoy everything I did in my college years. If I had done an internship at a publishing company, I never would have become an RA or worked at ResComp. I never would have learned as much as I did or made the friends I did. No, I don't regret the decisions I made in the past. I don't believe in regrets.

Without the past all I have is the present and future. My problem then becomes where is my life going? If my past decisions aren't the problem then I need to make the right decisions now and that's the hard part. I don't know what's next and that's a little terrifying.

I am starting to think that television has even more commercials than it used to. perhaps I could use my time wisely and actually time it...but then again someone who sits in front of their tv all night is too lazy for such things.

When Did I Become a C- Student?

Yesterday, as I contemplated my life, I realized something shocking about myself. I have become a C-Student. I am lazy and do my work poorly, despite my ability to do better. The underlying reason, I don't care. It's as simple as that.

When I came into my current job as a financial analyst I was very hopeful and energetic about it, that enthusiasm was killed the day my then manager (He is actually in the role above my manager, but he didn't higher a manager for me when I got there) yelled at me for something completely out of my control. As I walked to the printer trying to hold back tears, I think something in my brain shifted. Never in my life had anyone treated me like that, even my Dad, who often made me cry for some odd reason, never made me feel how this man did. I felt like I was incompetent somehow, that I had done something wrong, but I couldn't see how I could have prevented it. I believe I could have bounced back from this incident, if it did not occur repeatedly. The overall sense I got was he did not care about me, consequently I decided I would not care about him or my job. Perhaps my reaction is petty, perhaps I should have been stronger and tried to prove something to him. But in my brain the answer to that was, Why bother? I had seen people who worked day and night for this man, doing perfect work, get yelled at in the same way.

I understand that my reaction is my own, a symptom of my past and present. But, I can't help but think, I used to be an A honors student, and becoming a C- student cannot simply be me.

I felt the need to contemplate on this notion because it made me understand how much teachers can impact a student. Perhaps if early in my life I had been in classes with people like my manager, I would have become a life longer under-achiever. Instead I was lucky enough to always have a teacher who believed in me and my abilities, and most importantly who cared.

What's the Deal with Mentors

I just edited an interview for the online magazine I work for and the women had more than 10 mentors, most of which were actual people she knows. I tried thinking of my mentors and all I could come up with was Walt Disney, but I am not sure that counts, I admire him and want to be like him in some ways. Does that make him my mentor? If it does than I can definitely add Oprah to the list and J.K. Rowling. But shouldn't I know my mentor personally?

Inspiring words from one of my mentors:

"It all started with a mouse." Walt Disney

Fun Fact:

Did you know Walt originally wanted to name his famous mouse Mortimer, his wife convinced him to change it to Mickey.

Dream Shoes

Fabulous shoes I love.

I think its funny.

I guess the great thing about life, and perhaps the hardest, is that it can always start again. Life is an infinitie amount of changes.

I don't understand most of what goes on in this world. It's strange to think that despite how much I may have learned in my education or my life, I cannot even feign to understand the experiences of most throughout history.

How do you fight in a war? What is it like for a young boy to stand holding a gun in his hand for the first time knowing that he must kill someone with it, lest they should kill him. How does he stand in a trench filled with rats, sewage, and decaying bodies?

How do you watch a child that you bore leave this world before you do? How do you not die instead and forget to live?

How do you watch your husband, father, brother, and son lined up and shot for nothing more than a war? How can you get that image out of your brain?

How are you systematically raped by military men and go on living? How do you feel your skin ever again. Rape is not, unfortunately, a rare thing. I have seen the pain it can cause, how much a single incident can turn the life of someone upside down. I have seen that, but imagine that incident happend 20 to 30 times in a row. I would die.

The questions for me is simply, how? How do people survive these and so many other atrocities. I don't believe I could do it, I don't think I am strong enough.

Biggest Pet Peeve

Ok, so let me be honest here, this is one of my many pet peeves.

People who ping you at 4:35PM on a Friday. Come on people, that's just plain wrong.

(For those of you not in the weird wide world of a corporation, to ping: is to Message someone via internal IM. It's like AIM for work.)


Bigger pet peeve. People who ping you at 4:35PM to ask if they can call you at 4:37PM.

I've been waiting to send an e-mail for almost 2 hours. And I can't do anything about it. I don't know on what planet this kind of stuff produces quality employees who do a great job. I feel like I could walk into his office and quit right now. That's how annoyed I am. I mean seriously, it was ready at 2:55PM and I haven't heard anything about it.

Its 4:32 PM on Friday March 14 (Happy Pi Day) and I feel like it will be an eternity until it becomes 5:00 PM and I can go.

I can't even come up with ways to waste time. The Internet is becomingly less and less a source of wasting hours. Maybe I need to get a My Space, but then again maybe not.

What is the World Coming To

The governor of New York, Eliot Sptizer, had to resign yesterday due to his involvement in a high-class prostitution ring. This is very upsetting when you consider he was one of the hardest on crime and prostitution, serving as the Attorney General of New York for several years. However, is that what people are focusing on? Nope, instead they world has its eyes on the 22 years old hooker who he got caught soliciting. In the phone call her name was "Kristen," but now as the entire public knows it's Ashley Dupre. The first probe into her was through, what else, her My Space, page. The news then regaled us with information about her desire to become a singer, and other uninteresting tidbits. The sad part is, she is gaining fame from this. Her shitty song is getting radio play and she is now charging $0.98 a download. She had two friends, wannabe Hip-Hop artists, surprise surprise, on the Today show. I mean how slimy can you get, trying to get something out of a prostitution scandal. Is this what the world has come to? Its not just the dollar that continues to weaken, our moral standards have too.

Hookers that bring down politicians and their friends become mini celebrities? And to top it all off, they keep interviewing her friends and family and they keep saying things like we're supporting her, blah blah blah. Seriously, supporting the hooker. As though she just went though she is some poor girl the governor took advantage of. I feel like everyone has forgotten that this girl was charging $4000 a night for sex. How does that make her worthy of any fame, if anything she should be mocked to show girls around the world that being a skanky whore does not pay. She had the nerve to say she didn't want people to think she was a monster. I just have to say I didn't even know who she was until she came out with that interview and now she is all over the place. The girl is trying to gain from this scandal, and if she succeeds then the young girls in America are doomed. Doomed to live in a nation that values women who are stupid, slutty, and morally depraved.

Perfect parents don't make great people. Great people are born out of imperfection.

11/16/07

There is something poetic about listening to music and working on excel spreadsheets. For those of you who have never spent a day in a hollowed out shell that the working world would refer to as a cube you won't understand. It makes the whole world seem a little less drab when you are typing away with music flowing into your ears, especially music about changing your life. Although you may not make the move yourself, listening to someone else's sad voice sing about new possibilities makes you think for just a second, maybe I'll go to Boston.

Augustana: Boston

She said I think I'll go to Boston.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain.
I think I'll go to Boston.
I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of Sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah.

Boston, where no one knows my name
where no one knows my name
where no one knows my name


I'm currently in the process of moving my old writing into my blog. It is helping to clear out the "drafts," portion of my mail box and giving me a chance to look back at things I wrote.

All my life I was told to work hard so I could get a good job. And boy did I listen, I did the honors classes, the clubs the sports and when I got into "a good school," I once again got involved. All for the same stated goal, to get a good job and in my mind consequently have a good life.

Well here I am, age 23, in that good job and it is the most horrible experience of my short life. I never in my wildest dreams imagined my life, the life of an AP student who graduated High School with above a 4.0 and who graduated from College with more work experience than most would end up in this predicament.

Working. Who ever decided a life would be dedicated to 9 to 5 or 8-4 or 9-6. And yet, that is not my problem. I want to work long hours to prove myself and move up in my role. I want to be a better employee. The problem comes with those that are hired to "manage," me. They are the real problem. As a "educated" person (I think that is what you can call yourself after you graduate college) I have never in my life experienced such horrible management on every level. Common sense does not seem to rain supreme here. Instead I interact with people who make me ponder on a daily basis weather you have to prove yourself at all to get promoted. They symbolize the idea that it doesn't matter who the best person is for the job (Mostly because I believe there is no way they were the best). And yet, here they are making perhaps 100K or more, and probably will continue to be promoted. If that sounds odd to you, you have probably never worked in the "real world." I say this because everyone I tell this to that has worked in the "real world," does not seemed surprised by the presence of incompetents at a management level. It is the young that remain shocked. And perhaps I am still the young.

My pledge to you and myself is that I will not take it anymore. I will not give into cynicism and go about my daily business, unfulfilled and unhappy. That shall not be my lot in life and I will make sure it isn't.


I wrote this a while ago on a particularly frustrating day. I look back on it now and am slightly surprised by the intense emotion I seem to be feeling. It is odd given that at this point I've resigned myself and am not so angry about everything anymore. Rather, I understand it is my job to make the situation I am in a positive one and if I can't, then I need to do something about it. Not anyone else.

The Shit List

Due to my constant complaining about the world around me I've decided to make a list.

bull(Shit) list:

1. I had to pay to get into the gardens in Versailles because the fountains were on, but they only turn on one or two of the fountains on every four hours. How does that make sense?
   
2. People who drive slow in the left lane of a two line highway and don't get out of my way.
3. The Costco hot dog and polish sausage are the same thing, it could have been a fluke but I think its more likely it's some sort of conspiracy.
   

"She lies and says she's in love with him"

I am tired of seeing caring, intelligent, and beautiful women give up their lives for worthless men. I don't understand why this tendency only happens in women. How many men do you know will continue to date a girl after she has ignored him, lied, and even cheated on him. I highly doubt that he is telling his friends, "I know she's a self-centered alcoholic but you don't see the side I do. You don't see the moments that are really sweet, like this one time she got me a cookie. I mean who cares about the time she got drunk and crashed my car into a tree. She can really be sweet." No, that conversation is not going on, believe me. But somehow women can basically have this conversation with their friends or themselves to keep them in a bad relationship. They are magical creatures, they can cry over a guy for two weeks and if he calls to say hi, all is forgiven. These girls go in search of the horrible guy and then have the nerve to complain about men.
It's true, these women do not want a nice guy. Don't believe them when they complain about not being able to find a man. It's all lies. They are not attracted to anyone worthwhile. The nicest, cutest, smartest guy can show up at their door with flowers and they will find something wrong with him. But find her a guy who dropped out of community college due to, too much time spent at the other end of a bong, and she'll jump at the chance of dating a not so attractive, looser. Throw in a DUI and a mean spirit and you'll have her dream man. Or worse they like the painted image of a wealthy, well dressed, slime ball that even a child would know not to trust. They see his fancy car, nice clothes, and ability to smooth talk as a sign of princely qualities. The image they see standing in front of them as their dream man, possessing everything they could possible want, a prince in waiting. They can overlook the fact that he is manipulative and self-centered. In fact they won't even see that part. The worst part is that they find the same guy over and over again.
It is as though their brain is programmed to find the biggest asshole and give themselves to them until they are shell of their formal self. They will give up friends, family, and even their self-respect for this person who gives them nothing. Maybe its because they don't think enough of themselves to find someone who is actually good for them, maybe they want to save the guy from himself, maybe they're just crazy.

I feel like I need to do something meaningful with my life, but I don't know how. I sit in front of my TV Googling jobs. Trying to find a purpose through my computer. Hoping that it will magically appear before my eyes. It seems so futile.

A Story in 6 Words

Hemingway was once asked to write a story in six words. He is said to have called it his best work. Here is what he wrote:

"For sale: baby shoes, never worn."

In the spirit of this question, and the famously terse author that first answered it, Smith, an online magazine, asked their readers to write their life story in six words.

I first heard about this listening to NPR, and decided to give the challenge a shot. I thought and thought about how to convey the great moments in my life, and to equally communicate the struggles. Then I thought, what is the most important thing? What has made the greatest impact on me and my life, and I came up with something.

She found her soul mate.

I know I'm a little disgusted with myself, but what can you do sometimes you have to acknowledge the great things in your life.

"What if all we have are regular beans?"

I think a fear I'm developing in my early 20s is the thought that perhaps I am not destined for greatness. Maybe I won't become a VP or a director. As an overachiever all through my K-12 education, I always believed in my abilities. I was never the pretty one, the popular one, or the athletic one; I was the smart one. I was defined by the honors and AP classes I took, and to a certain extent I was fine with that. Even in college, where I didn't really feel too smart, I was happy with the work I did. I believed if I put all my effort into something it would turn out well. Then I started working in the "real world," and now I worry much more about my future. I don't see a clear cut path to achieve my goals, and that scares me.

One night I was watching re-runs of Friends, as I often do, and it was the episode where Rachel receives her first real paycheck, and for her reality sets in. Her friends try to make her feel better by comparing her giving up a planned out life with a successful dentist to Jack giving up his cow for some magic beans. After some conversation Rachel says, "What if all we have are regular beans." It was the first time I understood the brilliance of the show. Its ability to capture the uncertainty of your 20s, this time in your life when you are starting your adult life, trying to find the right career, right spouse, and ultimately the right life. When I first saw the episode I didn't think it was too profound, but in that moment I felt that phrase captured all that I was feeling about my life.

Why I Decided to Blog

I never thought I had enough to say to keep my own blog. I tried it once and really didn't have the time to put into it. Then I graduated college and came to the real world. I realized sitting in a cube all day gives me a lot to say. Why a blog? I'm still not quite sure. A neat and tidy place to keep all my thoughts? Currently I split my writing between rogue post-it notes, my moleskin, and Google documents. The link to my blog from my Google Homepage doesn't hurt either.