I guess the great thing about life, and perhaps the hardest, is that it can always start again. Life is an infinitie amount of changes.

I don't understand most of what goes on in this world. It's strange to think that despite how much I may have learned in my education or my life, I cannot even feign to understand the experiences of most throughout history.

How do you fight in a war? What is it like for a young boy to stand holding a gun in his hand for the first time knowing that he must kill someone with it, lest they should kill him. How does he stand in a trench filled with rats, sewage, and decaying bodies?

How do you watch a child that you bore leave this world before you do? How do you not die instead and forget to live?

How do you watch your husband, father, brother, and son lined up and shot for nothing more than a war? How can you get that image out of your brain?

How are you systematically raped by military men and go on living? How do you feel your skin ever again. Rape is not, unfortunately, a rare thing. I have seen the pain it can cause, how much a single incident can turn the life of someone upside down. I have seen that, but imagine that incident happend 20 to 30 times in a row. I would die.

The questions for me is simply, how? How do people survive these and so many other atrocities. I don't believe I could do it, I don't think I am strong enough.

Biggest Pet Peeve

Ok, so let me be honest here, this is one of my many pet peeves.

People who ping you at 4:35PM on a Friday. Come on people, that's just plain wrong.

(For those of you not in the weird wide world of a corporation, to ping: is to Message someone via internal IM. It's like AIM for work.)


Bigger pet peeve. People who ping you at 4:35PM to ask if they can call you at 4:37PM.

I've been waiting to send an e-mail for almost 2 hours. And I can't do anything about it. I don't know on what planet this kind of stuff produces quality employees who do a great job. I feel like I could walk into his office and quit right now. That's how annoyed I am. I mean seriously, it was ready at 2:55PM and I haven't heard anything about it.

Its 4:32 PM on Friday March 14 (Happy Pi Day) and I feel like it will be an eternity until it becomes 5:00 PM and I can go.

I can't even come up with ways to waste time. The Internet is becomingly less and less a source of wasting hours. Maybe I need to get a My Space, but then again maybe not.

What is the World Coming To

The governor of New York, Eliot Sptizer, had to resign yesterday due to his involvement in a high-class prostitution ring. This is very upsetting when you consider he was one of the hardest on crime and prostitution, serving as the Attorney General of New York for several years. However, is that what people are focusing on? Nope, instead they world has its eyes on the 22 years old hooker who he got caught soliciting. In the phone call her name was "Kristen," but now as the entire public knows it's Ashley Dupre. The first probe into her was through, what else, her My Space, page. The news then regaled us with information about her desire to become a singer, and other uninteresting tidbits. The sad part is, she is gaining fame from this. Her shitty song is getting radio play and she is now charging $0.98 a download. She had two friends, wannabe Hip-Hop artists, surprise surprise, on the Today show. I mean how slimy can you get, trying to get something out of a prostitution scandal. Is this what the world has come to? Its not just the dollar that continues to weaken, our moral standards have too.

Hookers that bring down politicians and their friends become mini celebrities? And to top it all off, they keep interviewing her friends and family and they keep saying things like we're supporting her, blah blah blah. Seriously, supporting the hooker. As though she just went though she is some poor girl the governor took advantage of. I feel like everyone has forgotten that this girl was charging $4000 a night for sex. How does that make her worthy of any fame, if anything she should be mocked to show girls around the world that being a skanky whore does not pay. She had the nerve to say she didn't want people to think she was a monster. I just have to say I didn't even know who she was until she came out with that interview and now she is all over the place. The girl is trying to gain from this scandal, and if she succeeds then the young girls in America are doomed. Doomed to live in a nation that values women who are stupid, slutty, and morally depraved.

Perfect parents don't make great people. Great people are born out of imperfection.

11/16/07

There is something poetic about listening to music and working on excel spreadsheets. For those of you who have never spent a day in a hollowed out shell that the working world would refer to as a cube you won't understand. It makes the whole world seem a little less drab when you are typing away with music flowing into your ears, especially music about changing your life. Although you may not make the move yourself, listening to someone else's sad voice sing about new possibilities makes you think for just a second, maybe I'll go to Boston.

Augustana: Boston

She said I think I'll go to Boston.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain.
I think I'll go to Boston.
I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of Sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah.

Boston, where no one knows my name
where no one knows my name
where no one knows my name


I'm currently in the process of moving my old writing into my blog. It is helping to clear out the "drafts," portion of my mail box and giving me a chance to look back at things I wrote.

All my life I was told to work hard so I could get a good job. And boy did I listen, I did the honors classes, the clubs the sports and when I got into "a good school," I once again got involved. All for the same stated goal, to get a good job and in my mind consequently have a good life.

Well here I am, age 23, in that good job and it is the most horrible experience of my short life. I never in my wildest dreams imagined my life, the life of an AP student who graduated High School with above a 4.0 and who graduated from College with more work experience than most would end up in this predicament.

Working. Who ever decided a life would be dedicated to 9 to 5 or 8-4 or 9-6. And yet, that is not my problem. I want to work long hours to prove myself and move up in my role. I want to be a better employee. The problem comes with those that are hired to "manage," me. They are the real problem. As a "educated" person (I think that is what you can call yourself after you graduate college) I have never in my life experienced such horrible management on every level. Common sense does not seem to rain supreme here. Instead I interact with people who make me ponder on a daily basis weather you have to prove yourself at all to get promoted. They symbolize the idea that it doesn't matter who the best person is for the job (Mostly because I believe there is no way they were the best). And yet, here they are making perhaps 100K or more, and probably will continue to be promoted. If that sounds odd to you, you have probably never worked in the "real world." I say this because everyone I tell this to that has worked in the "real world," does not seemed surprised by the presence of incompetents at a management level. It is the young that remain shocked. And perhaps I am still the young.

My pledge to you and myself is that I will not take it anymore. I will not give into cynicism and go about my daily business, unfulfilled and unhappy. That shall not be my lot in life and I will make sure it isn't.


I wrote this a while ago on a particularly frustrating day. I look back on it now and am slightly surprised by the intense emotion I seem to be feeling. It is odd given that at this point I've resigned myself and am not so angry about everything anymore. Rather, I understand it is my job to make the situation I am in a positive one and if I can't, then I need to do something about it. Not anyone else.

The Shit List

Due to my constant complaining about the world around me I've decided to make a list.

bull(Shit) list:

1. I had to pay to get into the gardens in Versailles because the fountains were on, but they only turn on one or two of the fountains on every four hours. How does that make sense?
   
2. People who drive slow in the left lane of a two line highway and don't get out of my way.
3. The Costco hot dog and polish sausage are the same thing, it could have been a fluke but I think its more likely it's some sort of conspiracy.
   

"She lies and says she's in love with him"

I am tired of seeing caring, intelligent, and beautiful women give up their lives for worthless men. I don't understand why this tendency only happens in women. How many men do you know will continue to date a girl after she has ignored him, lied, and even cheated on him. I highly doubt that he is telling his friends, "I know she's a self-centered alcoholic but you don't see the side I do. You don't see the moments that are really sweet, like this one time she got me a cookie. I mean who cares about the time she got drunk and crashed my car into a tree. She can really be sweet." No, that conversation is not going on, believe me. But somehow women can basically have this conversation with their friends or themselves to keep them in a bad relationship. They are magical creatures, they can cry over a guy for two weeks and if he calls to say hi, all is forgiven. These girls go in search of the horrible guy and then have the nerve to complain about men.
It's true, these women do not want a nice guy. Don't believe them when they complain about not being able to find a man. It's all lies. They are not attracted to anyone worthwhile. The nicest, cutest, smartest guy can show up at their door with flowers and they will find something wrong with him. But find her a guy who dropped out of community college due to, too much time spent at the other end of a bong, and she'll jump at the chance of dating a not so attractive, looser. Throw in a DUI and a mean spirit and you'll have her dream man. Or worse they like the painted image of a wealthy, well dressed, slime ball that even a child would know not to trust. They see his fancy car, nice clothes, and ability to smooth talk as a sign of princely qualities. The image they see standing in front of them as their dream man, possessing everything they could possible want, a prince in waiting. They can overlook the fact that he is manipulative and self-centered. In fact they won't even see that part. The worst part is that they find the same guy over and over again.
It is as though their brain is programmed to find the biggest asshole and give themselves to them until they are shell of their formal self. They will give up friends, family, and even their self-respect for this person who gives them nothing. Maybe its because they don't think enough of themselves to find someone who is actually good for them, maybe they want to save the guy from himself, maybe they're just crazy.

I feel like I need to do something meaningful with my life, but I don't know how. I sit in front of my TV Googling jobs. Trying to find a purpose through my computer. Hoping that it will magically appear before my eyes. It seems so futile.